Are You There God? It’s Me, The Sassy Librarian.

As you know, God, I have always had, what some call, an “irrational” fear of sock monkeys.  In my defense, just look at one…

Traditional Sock Monkey with Button Eyes Small
Image via Etsy.
This evil creature has wee, beady eyes that are too close together, staring into your very being. Like a spooky painting, the black, soulless pools follow you where ever you go. It has a freakishly long tail* and limbs, turning from grey to bright white. Don’t be fooled by this angelic color–that tail and those long, thumb-less limbs are ready to wrap around your throat and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze until the white spots that appear in your vision match the color of its domed pate. Oddly huge ears are always at the ready to catch any scream or quick inhalation of breath that will give away any hiding place you may have found. Once it knows where you are, it will lunge at your head to suck off your face with its, already, blood-soaked lips.

I have always wished and prayed that I would lose my fear of this “child’s doll” and be able to accept it for what it is, just a toy.  A freakin’ scary, evil toy that should be killed with fire.  I even tried bargaining.  “If you can’t take this fear away perhaps you, in your great glory, would trade my fear of sock monkeys to a fear of something actually evil and frightening?” I’d ask.

Then, trolling the internet, I ran across this…


Etsy link.

I actually screamed. Thus, God, I have a few questions for you.

1. WTF???

2. Is this intended for a child? It’s even terrifying for an adult!

3. Is this art? Really?

4. Is this how you answer my prayers?

5. Are you actually an evil genie where, if I’m not completely specific in what my prayer or wish is, you screw with people? (Props to you, if so.  That is TOTALLY how I’d operate were I a deity.)

Thanks for keeping it real, Lord.

Peace, out.


*Mom of the Sassy Librarian, Thanks for the typo check!


About The Sassy Librarian

Librarian. Writer. Curmudgeon.
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2 Responses to Are You There God? It’s Me, The Sassy Librarian.

  1. imaginarymen says:

    I feel like a failed Heterosexual Life Partner that I didn’t realize you had this Sock Monkey Phobia!!

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