Happy New Year, everyone!
Looking over some of my Wal-Mart Wednesday posts, I was struck at what some Wal-Marties should be resolving to accomplish in the New Year. Here are some suggested resolutions for the people of Wal-Mart.
Resolution 1. Wear a belt when necessary. Psst, People of Wal-Mart, it is always necessary.
“Suspenders in a Pinch”
Ass-less one, time to
grab a belt or suspenders.
Talking to you, Mac.
Resolution #2: Wear a shirt when shopping.
“Put Down the Phone: Bigger Fish to Fry”
Oh, shirtless wonder,
you aren’t nearly as fit as
you think. No, really.
Resolution #3: Dream big, people. No more phrases on pants.
“What Did Daddy Do to You?”
Is your dream to wear
pants that fit/don’t have writing
on them? Just my dream?
Resolution #4: Groom yourselves.
“The Tortoiseshell Comb and The Hair”
Why is there an old
sleeping bag on your head, Ma’am?
That’s HAIR? WHAT? NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
First, get the scissors.
Next, chop off that fucking mess.
Then, KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
As always, check out People of Wal-Mart.