1. I assume you chose the star-spangled bikini top to demonstrate your love for this country. Thank you for loving America. Find another way to express that love.
2. Though I’m glad you are shopping for a new bra, you should probably move yourself out of the “exercise bra” section and into the “reinforced” section.
3. What else was I going to write? Oh, that’s right, GO TO THE SHIRT AISLE FIRST!!! God and Uncle Sam would want you to. I’m sure management will even allow you to put it on before you even get to the cash register.
4. Congratulations on being one of the few Wal-Mart shoppers whose pants aren’t trying to make a run for it. Those shorts don’t look like they’re going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, I’m not really sure how you got them on…or how you’ll are get them off. Crowbar? Blasting caps?