Reason #986 Why Dolls Are Terrifying: Reborn Lola Monkey

From the text attached to this item; it would seem as though the “artist,” overcome by whimsy, created this delightful creature after a long walk through a meadow on a glorious Spring day. Inspired by monkeys and sharpies, she created this creature for your monkey collecting pleasure…

As per usual, with such an item, I will start with WHAT THE F$#%?

Why? What reason would you… Who would… How should…

1. The word “Reborn.” How, exactly, is something of this nature born, let alone, reborn?

2. Apparently, the artist’s original sharpie ran out of ink before she had finished this project. Rather than realizing that the hand of God came down and smote the ink in the pen to prevent the completion of this atrocity, she decided to pop out to the store to buy another sharpie of the same color. Oddly, the color of the new pen didn’t quite match the color of the first pen. God, seeing further opportunity to stop this from being born, hoped her artistic eye would notice this color discrepancy. “Displeased, she will be forced to stop her project until she can get another pen that is the exact match to the first pen–she wouldn’t want the color shift sully her ‘masterpiece.'” God chuckled.  (After that, God planned to make it so that the colors of all brown sharpies world-wide would change. Even the color of the ink in the vat at Sharpie Inc. would have shifted slightly. Try as they might, artists, chemists and ink makers would NEVER be able match that hue, tint, and shade of brown ever again.  And it would have been good.) But no, tint schmint, she persisted and just finished up with the new brown.  She suggests that the buyer should get a wig to cover the shade change “When she has a wig on you can’t tell.” Sadly, like the comma in the previous sentence, a wig isn’t included.

3. Though God tried to stop this from happening, free will is man’s burden and happen it did.  Clearly, this is a work of evil made manifest through human hands. I mean LOOK AT IT! How is this either a cute doll or a monkey?  How? HOW?? There are bags under this doll’s wide, staring eyes. The look on its face indicates that even IT is terrified of itself. Especially its own disproportionately large hands, which look as though they’ve been sawed off another doll and fused with this one. Now I suspect that onesie is included solely to cover the seams of this Frankenstein’s monster.

If, for some reason you do purchase this (to frighten a child, curse a neighbor, etc.), may I suggest something?  As soon as you get this doll take it and all its packaging outside. Buy the recommended wig then carefully place it over Lola’s face. Pile up anything that touched this to get to/into your home, packaging, wrapping, hall table, hall floor, front door, mail truck, etc. and arrange over the doll. Purchase a few gallons of gasoline, pour over pile. Back up a few feet, strike a match then throw onto pile.  Once the flames die down a bit, shovel everything over with dirt. Sprinkle area liberally with Holy Water. Bundle a large amount of white sage then burn so you may “smudge” the area and release/ward off any evil spirits that may try to stick around. Get in your car, drive as far as the car will take you in one direction (pick wisely.) Abandon car, change your identity and NEVER GO BACK TO THAT PLACE AGAIN. It’s for the best, really.

Thank you Regretsy.

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About The Sassy Librarian

Librarian. Writer. Curmudgeon.
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