When you have a profile on an online dating site you need to choose a username to sign-in. This name also appears as your moniker at the top of your profile. Your username can say a lot about you before someone even reads your profile.
Today I got an email from one of the online dating sites I subscribe to (I only use the free ones right now.) It read “Someone chose YOU. He’s totally into you. Go send him a message.” They “know” this because he saw my profile and liked it. Rather than send me an email himself, he decided to rank my profile highly which prompts the site to send me a message that “Someone chose” me.
First, this would-be suitor was too lazy to put together an email to contact me himself, which is off-putting. Second, he chose to use an “artsy” profile picture. A head shot of a heavily shadowed face with his hand covering his right eye, black and white, of course, replete with an effect that makes the picture look like an illustration. He probably chose this picture hoping it would induce curiosity “I must learn more about this mysterious stranger!” But all it did was induce the mother of all eye-rolls. Either one of the above would put me off someone, let alone those two things together. In fact, I could have written an entire post on the picture alone. However, it was his choice of name that stopped me in my tracks.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the user name of the man who “chose” me is…
wait for it…
wait for it…
Let’s break this down, shall we?
“Daddy” He wants to be someone’s “daddy” and he doesn’t mean it in a paternal sense.
“Dom” meaning domination. He wants a Domination and Submission type of thing to get going and when does he want this?
“Tonight” which means tonight, no need to parse that one.
I processed all the above information almost instantly then thought “Are you F#@&ING KIDDING ME??!” Then, “of course, of course this person would be interested in me.” Then I remind myself that some men use the shotgun method of online dating and send a whole bunch of stuff to a whole lot of women in hopes of getting someone to bite. Mixed analogies and pun intended.
Well daddydomtonight, I regret to inform you that I don’t think this is going to work out. But for you, sir, I give you poetry.
Decisions, Decisions: Should I Hide the Left of Right Eye?
you obscure face to seduce
working for you yet?
Ode to the Photo Booth Application on all Apple Computers
“A professional look” a prayer hushed,
though no one listens.
A soft glow from the screen bathes his face,
stretches his shadow across
the water heater and the “White Snake” poster which hangs
languidly on the laundry room door.
“Perhaps sepia, Bitches dig sepia” he breathes in a whisper that falls to the floor
Now it’s time for me to scour my profile to see what is attracting this sort.