So I have a profile on OkCupid, a free dating site. I have discovered that you do, in fact, get what you pay for.
Yesterday I got an email from “Saffron4” that read:
“Hi, I’m a married Boston lawyer, early 60’s. Are you open to being the friend and lover of an older married man?”
Hmm, let me look at my profile for a second. Nope. Not at all. In fact, under my “I’m looking for…” section I have two bullet points that disclude you, Sir.
“Who are single.”
In OK Cupid, members are asked a bunch of random questions, and given a list of choices for answers but one may still comment on the answer s/he chose to give. You can answer any or all questions asked. The OK Cupid computer will score people’s compatibility based on the answers given. Some questions are interesting and may provide insight into someone “Which is worse, book burning or flag burning?” And some have a WTF quality, “Would you be interested meeting a person from OK Cupid?” Um, isn’t that why we’re all here? I love to read through the questions section just to see which questions the potential match has answered and what those answers/comments are. Actually, reading through people’s questions/answers/comments is the best part of belonging to the site.
I was ready to send Saffron4 a “move along, nothing to see here” email but my curiosity got the better of me–I had to see his questions/answers. So I went to his profile and poked around. To my utter lack of shock, he has no pictures and no profile information (of course not, he’s a philanderer.) But he did answer some of the questions. And one of the questions he chose to answer cracked me up.
“How often do you keep your promises?” His answer? “Usually.” For the love…
I can think of a couple of promises that you aren’t keeping right now, Buddy.
I didn’t even to make it to the other questions. I just closed out of OK Cupid and didn’t even bother to send a “take a hike” message. It’s not worth my time and he’s just trolling for floozies. What I forgot is that a person can see when you have visited his/her profile. He saw that I had visited his profile after getting his email. I think that may have given him the wrong impression.
This morning, I got an email message from Saffron4.
“Don’t be shy, Sassy. Why don’t you write and say hello?”
Oh. No. You. Didn’t.
He asked me to write to him, so I wrote to him. He LITERALLY asked for it…
Dear Sir, Esq.
Under the “Questions” section of your profile the first question read “How often do you keep your promises?” You answered “Usually.” I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time, thank you.
Though your answer may be technically true, there is one prominent promise that you are demonstrably not keeping, which includes the line “and forsaking all others…”
1. Your lawyer’s eye for detail failed you. Under my “I’m looking for…” one of the bullet points read “Who are single.” I’m married to that idea (see what I did there?)
2. Though I’m relatively flexible on age requirements, my “Daddy Issues” aren’t so severe as to require that I date someone 20+ years my senior.
3. There are several sites that cater to your need to dick around on your wife. Seek them out.
4. She deserves better than you.
Good luck and thanks for the laugh.
And then I blocked him from sending me any more messages.