She Led Me to Her Elfin Grot: The Best of the Worst

Writing can be difficult. No matter how much a writer works on a piece that author is rarely completely satisfied with the results.  There is always something to be revised, reworded, or reworked.

Writing a sex scene can be especially tricky. How do you make something that everyone does sound different? Is this necessary to advance the plot or is it gratuitous? Should you use metaphor? Do you describe what is happening in great detail without it sounding to porn-y or just go for it?

It would be great for would-be authors to see examples of what not to write for sex scenes…Luckily, for us, the good people at The Literary Review compiled their annual “Bad Sex Awards” for 2012. Having culled through many of this year’s published works, they have determined cream-of-the-crop bad descriptions of sex.

I think the authors of some of these lines were in the “just go for it” camp. Here are a few of my top choices from the top choices:

“He switched to some ancient steppe language as he ejaculated, blubbering and incoherent. She faked an orgasm.”

Calling this the worst may be unfair…was this book meant to be funny? I will not read it to discover the truth; we all need a lingering mystery in our lives…

“And then, one wet April afternoon, after a long delay of just over six weeks, his erection arrived. Arbitrarily.”

“…his erection arrived?” Like in the mail? Is this code for getting Viagra randomly?

“oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Will, oh, yes, oh, semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanistic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts.”

oh, no, oh, no, oh, Author oh, no, oh, pretentious-vocabulary-fulminating typewriter spazmatically launching imaginary words drivel catharsis.

How did this a-hole get published? Where’s the editor?

“I waited, patient with faith, feeling his prose slowly seep into my cock, swell it, saturate it until it was replete with Muse”

What?

My favorite?

“She led me to her elfin grot.”

Wow, man. Just, wow. (Imagine me saying that while sitting cross-legged in a smokey coffee shop. Wearing a black turtle neck. Fingers up, snapping.)

Want to read more of these little delights?

Huffington Post, thank you!

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About The Sassy Librarian

Librarian. Writer. Curmudgeon.
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One Response to She Led Me to Her Elfin Grot: The Best of the Worst

  1. Isabel Anderson says:

    I love the steppe language passage!!

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