The Horror: Miss Muffet’s Demise

Most people have played the game where someone gives you an odd scenario and you may ask only “yes” or “no” questions to figure out what happened.

Example: a dead man is found naked in the middle of the desert, with only a broken burnt matchstick in his hand and no footprints leading to or from the body. What happened?

You then ask yes or no questions to figure out that he had been in a hot air balloon that was going to crash-land. Both people in the balloon got rid of all the extra things in the balloon. Still plummeting. Got rid of all the clothing. Still plummeting. Find a used match at the bottom of the balloon basket and decided to break it in half and have one person hold the broken bits, one in each fist. The other person chose a hand; the guy with the burnt end had to jump.

Here is how my ending would have been presented.

Late afternoon. A woman, in work clothes, runs from a grocery store, screaming. Blind and raving with fear, she runs into traffic then is struck and killed by a car. Why?

I’ll cut to the chase on this and tell you she went grocery shopping after work. She saw that bananas were on sale and decided to get some. She picked up a bag and saw this…

Finding this would have killed me. If I hadn’t had a heart attack right then and there I would have run screaming into the street. Squish.

Thank you FailBlog.org.

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Politics: The Facepalm Edition

I think this nicely sums up the state of political discourse in this country.

U.S.A! U.S.A.!

To add insult to injury, the question should read “If the election were today…” However, given the state of this poll, the botching of the verb (subjunctive form necessary–due to the conditional if) is the least of its problems.

We are doomed…

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This is Love? The Proposal

This story has been all over the internet. Here is what Gawker.com had to say about it.

_____

Before Proposing to Girlfriend, Man Fakes His Own Death to Show Her How Meaningless Life Would Be Without Him
SEP 4, 2012 12:45 PM93,726 186

Before Proposing to Girlfriend, Man Fakes His Own Death to Show Her How Meaningless Life Would Be Without Him

A wealthy Russian businessman who wanted to propose to his girlfriend decided to test her love for him before popping the question — by faking his own death.

After working with a stuntman, a make-up artist, a screenwriter, and a directer to stage a phony car crash, 30-year-old Alexey Bykov of Omsk told Irina Kolokov to meet him at a certain place at a certain time so she could witness the accident.

“When I arrived there were mangled cars everywhere, ambulances, smoke, and carnage,”Kolokov told Russian media. “Then when I saw Alexey covered in blood lying in the road a paramedic told me he was dead and I just broke down in tears.”

With his mission accomplished, Bykov rose from the dead and proposed to his stunned partner while drenched in “blood.” Kolokov said she contemplated killing him “for real this time,” but decided to agree to marry the lunatic instead.

“I wanted her to realise how empty her life would be without me and how life would have no meaning without me,” Bykov said. “I think it worked but I promise it’s the last time.”

[photo via Sina News]

_____

Are you kidding me??

How did she not punch him in the face, kick him in the nuts, then walk away?

If she decides to leave him in five years, I want her to hire the same actors to chase him through the city, catch him and while holding a knife to his throat, have a guy hand him the papers for divorce and say “Or, you can just sign these.”

~Sassy

Thank you Gawker.com

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Twittiots and Philosopher/Moron: M*x *s * M*r*n

Twittiots. def. Twitter idiots.

I was torn between spelling that “twittiots” or “twiddiots” (two “d”s to soften the “i” so it is not pronounced “eye”) and am still torn. Feel free to vote for your favorite here…

Anyway. The “Philosopher” portion of the “Philosopher/Moron” contingent on Twitter has taken a little vacation around the Labor Day weekend, this year. Leaving the “Moron” group to take deep breaths–mouths open, of course.

On Twitter people will challenge others to little games or word manipulation shenanigans for fun. For example “name of first pet + childhood street name 2 get porn name. Write porn name.” Were I so inclined, I would tweet a reply of “Nimrod Sweden Hill.” A laugh riot, to be sure.

Someone decided to start “Tweet your name with no vowels.” Simple, right? The Sassy Librarian would become “ThSssLbrrn.” Crazy times. Anyway, the gauntlet had been thrown in front of the Twittiots. Some of the Twittiots said, in essence “What’s a gauntlet?”

I have a quick lesson for them in what a vowel is…

Dear Shaunna, Chelsea, Johnny, Danielle, Frankie, and Max. The following contains a few vowels at the beginning of the word. Lean in closely and pay attention.

*a hem*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!

Now I’m going to write a sentence where I have replaced each vowel with an asterisk. Perhaps you will be able to identify (find) the missing letters and get an idea of what vowels are.

D**r Sh**nna, Ch*ls**, J*hnn*, D*n**ll*, Fr*nk**, *nd M*x.

Y** *r* F*CK*NG M*R*NS!!!”

Thank you School of Fail Blog.

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Bic for Her (You heard it here first)/Terrifying Tuesday: Extreme Measures

Some readers may have noticed that, lately, there has been a lot of news on various internet sites about the absurd “Bic for Her” pens and that people are creating fake reviews and absurd parodies.

Upon reading any of these articles you may have thought, “I’m sure I saw something funny about that weeks ago, somewhere.” You did! HERE!! Thanks for reading!!

Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled post…

I have no love of dolls, finding most creepy. There it sits gazing, unblinkingly, into the great beyond.

Therefore, I’d remove this…

with an ax.

Sweet dreams, muffins.

Thank you Ugliest Tattoos.

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Jerry Nelson: Thank You and Godspeed.

Image

As of this morning, many of my, and your, childhood friends are now silent. Jerry Nelson was a puppeteer who worked on Sesame Street and the Muppet Show.

His characters included: Mr. Snuffleupagus; Sully and Biff, Sherlock Hemlock, The Amazing Mumford, Harry Monster; Count von Count; Sgt. Floyd Pepper (bassist for the Electric Mayhem); Dr. Julius Strangepork; Lew Zealand; Camilla the Chicken and many, many more.

Thank you for all your work, Mr. Nelson. Your characters where considered friends by children around the world. This work will never be forgotten.

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Relationship Advice: Share Hobbies

Are ankle monitors the convict couple’s version of matching bowling jackets?

In relationships, shared interests and experiences are important to keep the magic alive. Some simple activities can let the other person know that you enjoy spending time together. But it is spending time together, not doing time together that counts.

This reminds me of my friend JoAnne’s Mom who wouldn’t let her daughters wear anklets; she thought anklets made the wearer “look cheap.” Read “look like a whore.” Ma Corley may not be far off after all…

Thank you Ugliest Tattoos.

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Hating the Dating Game: :-(

The other day I got an email from an OKCupid member that read:

;- )

-END-

Yeah. That was it.  Just the emoticon of a winking smiley face.

This is the dating equivalent of having the phone ring, answering it and hearing “Please hold for an important message.” Um, you called me. If you want me to listen, be on the other end of the line and say something immediately or expect to me to hang up.

So I replied:

:- (

-END-

Then blocked the sender.

There has to be an easier way…

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A Show of Hands, err Paws.

From Regretsy.com

“I promise you, you will not find a jar of skunk paws again any time soon.”

You PROMISE, promise?? May I pay you $40 to never see anything like this again? Please?

1. What hillbilly, redneck, backwoods recipe calls for skunk paw preserves?

2. What made this person think this was a good idea?

3. Why can’t I stop looking at this jar??

Hey Buddy, do you know why people won’t see anything like this again “any time soon?” Because there is no great demand for disembodied skunk paws, in a jar, in fluid. (I’m not sure I want to know that the fluid is.)

A list of other items we won’t see any time soon:

Jar of crazy college roommate’s toe and fingernail clippings–in water

Jar of dead, bisected earwigs (bisected lengthwise-much rarer)–in water

Jar of childhood dreams which were crushed, written on small pieces of crumpled paper–in gin (actually–I may use that as a “performance piece” the next time I do conceptual art/interpretive dance.)

A thousand paws wave goodbye, my chickens.

Peace Out.

~Sassy

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Twitter and the Philosopher/Moron: Legends of the Fail

In college, my Heterosexual Life Partner, Amy (check out her blog, Imaginary Men) and I were all over Brad Pitt. The movie Legends of the Fall came out and so we saw it. This movie is pure schlock. Pitt is pretty but a mediocre actor, at best. A sweeping (…ly over-hyped) epic (..ly mockable) film. In one of the many “pivotal” scenes Brad, playing the wayward, troubled son, asks the now partially paralyzed patriarch, played by the scene chewing Anthony Hopkins

Pitt: …when Samuel died, I cursed God. Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?

Hopkins: No! You are not damned…

Hopkins yelled through the side of his mouth because the character’s paralysis, as well as lock-jaw apparently, limited his mouth’s mobility. So the line sounded like: “Nuuuh! Yer nut DANNNNED!” I laughed out loud after that line. I don’t think I stopped laughing for a few minutes. Amy found this ridiculously funny as well so we reenacted this little vignette often.

In the middle of a particularly painful class…

Amy (whispering): Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?

Me: (whispering yet forceful) Nuuuh! Yer nut DANNNNED!

Discovering, again, that the latest magazine issue with George Clooney on the cover is not yet in…

Amy: Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?

Me: Nuuuh! Yer nut DANNNNED!

Waiting for our fries at the worst staffed, most passive-aggressively managed McDonald’s of all time…

Amy: Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?

Me: Nuuuh! Yer nut DANNNNED!

You get the idea.  Well, I saw something today that made me realize we are damned. We are so, so damned.

Let’s look at Twitter’s bevy of Philosopher/Morons’ reactions to the statement that the Olympic games have been around for 3000 years…

Oh.

My.

God.

Amy, next time I see you, ask “Did I damn everyone around me as well as myself?”

Me: YERS! YERS! Yew RRR DANNNNED! Wer ALL DANNNNED!!

Thank you failblog.org. And don’t forget to check out Imaginary Men!

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